Sunday, April 30, 2006

A call to action

Action must be taken. A great evil has been perpetrated upon the world, and we cannot sit idly by as beliefs and causes near and dear to so many are criticized and vilified. For these reasons and more, I am sponsoring the offer of $120,000 US to the person who will kill Dan Brown. That’s right. I will soon have the backing of the SBC and the PCUSA on this offer.

Any devout Christian should be completely on board here. Allow me to explain. Mr. Brown has written a book, in case you didn’t know. This book contains heresy of the highest order, encourages the faithless and the unbelieving, and directly attacks the object of our allegiance and devotion: Jesus Christ. This book contains opinions that, if true, would devastate the entire basis of our faith, and ultimately the entire thinking Christian world. This book is The DaVinci Code.

I and my fellow believers are advocating several other courses of action, including UN sanctions against the United States (of which Brown is a citizen) and the introduction of blasphemy legislation. We are organizing protests against his blasphemy in Atlanta and other major cities, and are contacting citizens of New Hampshire (where Mr. Brown resides) in order to recommend similar protests and the burning of local government buildings. Any Christian nation out there should follow suit, burning U.S. embassies and letting the world know that one American’s blasphemy will not go unpunished.

Death threats to Mr. Brown have been made, and this $120,000 sum will be paid to anyone who can confirm the fact that he has killed Dan Brown. “Death to Brown!” will be our rallying cry, and we will make our voices heard. Such a blatant attack and caricature of the Christian faith’s most revered figure will not be tolerated. Christians of the world, it is time to rise up and fight!


Blogger guiroo said...

So I assume this is satire of Muslim cartoons and such?

4:16 PM, April 30, 2006  
Anonymous Amy said...

Guiroo beat me to writing my comment :-)

10:53 PM, April 30, 2006  
Anonymous Hugh said...

Well, I guess you can stop worrying about that job you were applying for with the FBI...

Seriously -- I think it would be responsible to unequivocally state your satirical intent and your sincere disposition on the matter. Consider the effect it has on spreading God's fame.

For my part, I'll employ satire all day long. It's a great device, but it's easier to do it well as a "hook." It is much more difficult to do satire well when the entire piece is satirical from start to finish.

In this case, the satire was a little too subtle and the web is way too wacky. It's a lot like driving... it's not you I'm worried about, it's everybody else.

8:07 AM, May 01, 2006  
Blogger Jeffrey J. Stables said...

Point well taken, Hugh—I've gone ahead and posted the second part for clarity. I wrote this post and the one immediately following at the same time.

9:26 AM, May 01, 2006  
Blogger Bulldawgy said...

Where are you gonna come up with $120K


5:39 PM, May 02, 2006  
Blogger Jeffrey J. Stables said...

I run my blog like a large corporation: first one to complain about a deficiency heads up the committee appointed to fix it.

9:26 PM, May 02, 2006  

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