Jack Bauer Jokes

Jack Bauer Jokes

The latest internet phenomenon is the Chuck Norris joke. Goes something like this:

When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Pretty funny stuff once you get going. My favorite take, however, seeing as Chuck Norris is a bit before my time, is the Jack Bauer spin. You can Google both "Chuck Norris facts" and "Jack Bauer facts" to read as many as you like, but I've collected (and censored) my favorites right here, for your comedic convenience. Enjoy!

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.

Jack Bauer can divide by zero.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

When life hands Jack Bauer lemons, he uses them to kill terrorists. Jack hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Jack Bauer can eat just one Lay's Potato Chip.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

On Jack Bauer's tax return, he has to claim the entire world as his dependants.

Jack Bauer can watch 60 Minutes in half an hour.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauer is the reason Waldo is hiding.

The reason ghosts live on the other side is that Jack Bauer lives on this side.

Lemmings think Jack Bauer's behind them.

Taco Bell used to close at midnight, until Jack Bauer decided he wanted to have burritos at 2 am.

Jack Bauer let the dogs out.

Jack Bauer killed Latin.

Jack Bauer finishes the Sunday crossword on Saturdays. In pen.

Jack Bauer graduated with a 4.0 by writing "violence" on every test. Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence.